Can’t hit the bowl?, try the ‘Pee Straight’…

PeeStraightFriends, I just couldn’t make this $hit up.  An entrepreneur in the southern Chinese city of Shenzhen has unveiled a contraption designed to help those who miss the mark at a urinal: the ‘Pee Straight.’  The invention came in the wake of a new law known as the Shenzhen City Public Toilet Management Act, which allows sanitation managers and other officials to slap a $15 fine on those caught making a mess of municipal toilets while relieving themselves. Oh!, Oh!, thats a job I want! – ‘Pisser Watcher’.  The law also cracks down on anybody defacing, littering or smoking in public privies.  The Pee Straight is a simple contraption. A standard funnel affixed to what appears to be a 10-inch piece of tube pipe, the device comes in his and hers versions — hers has a shorter pipe — and is being marketed to those who have trouble with their aim.  How many idiots are going to carry around one of these ‘devices’ to make sure they hit the spot?  WTF! – just grab that thing and point it towards the fu(king bowl!  Well I’m going to rush right out with my $1.65 US and pickup my own ‘Pee Straight’ today.  After watching the video, I knew I had to have one!  Wait!, I’ve got a better idea, the ‘$hit Straight’!  This could work!  The $hit straight is a plastic ‘ramp’ you strap to your ass just before sitting on the throne.  As you begin to $hit, the ramp guides the excriment ‘straight’ down into the bowl with no chance of missing or excess splashing.  For those ‘explosion’ times, the $hit straight will reduce the ‘splatter effect’ and the amount of associated wiping.  I’ll be taking orders…

Man Shoots Self While Sneezing…

Police in Connecticut say an 81-year-old man who was lying in wait with a rifle for a pesky raccoon accidentally shot himself after sneezing and falling from a chair.  New Haven police say James Pace Sr. shot himself in the shin at his home Saturday night. The injury wasn’t life-threatening.  pissed_raccoonPace told authorities that a raccoon had been scratching at his back door for several days and he was waiting for it with a .22-caliber rifle.  Police say he sneezed and fell from his chair, then realized he had accidentally shot himself.  Pace’s son drove him to Yale-New Haven Hospital.  Police detectives seized the rifle and are investigating the shooting.  Investigating?  Really?  As part of the Villainous VooDoo’s commitment to firearm safety, I would like to take this opportunity to review a few of the most basic rules of gun safety:

1.  Always keep the muzzle pointed in a safe direction.  Like away from your fu(king shin, James…

2.  Keep your finger off the trigger until you are actually ready to shoot.  This, combined with rule 3, should prevent what is officially called an “accidental discharge”.  James, you know this as ‘blowing your shin off’.

3.  Keep the safety on until you are ready to shoot.  Perhaps this should be rule number one.  Unless, of course, you sneeze so violently it causes you to disengage the safety then pull the trigger.

James, clearly you need help with your raccoon ambush and the Villainous VooDoo is here for you.  May I suggest you change from a ‘command initiated’ model to something a little more commensurate with your age.  Try a ‘mechanical ambush’ by placing the latest in critter capture technology – a raccoon trap, outside your door.  When you have the masked bandit captured, just call animal services in your area.  They’ll do the rest.  Anyway, James, I know you’re 81, but here’s your sign…

Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop?

Friends, we have a new winner in the Villainous VooDoo monthly “stupid-ass” contest.   “Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop” faces felony drug charges in Iowa, less than two years after he was busted for possession of pot.  Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bopBeezow Doo-doo who?  He looks like “Vlad the Impaler’s” younger brother.  Whatever.  Anyway, “stupid-ass” was charged with felony drug possession with intent to deliver after a recent traffic stop.  Police noticed his van swerving on the road. When they pulled him over, police found half an ounce of marijuana.  If convicted he could face up to five years in prison and a $7,500 fine.

In case you’re curious, he has said his first name represents “the explosion of awareness of the interconnectedness of the infinite love in the universe.” Yeeeaaah!  His real name is Jeffrey Wilschke, but he legally changed it in 2011.  Stupid-ass, I mean Jeffery, here’s your sign…

UPDATE – 02/02/16 – Jeffery, Jeffery, Jeffery… You just can’t stay out of trouble…

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