Man Hides Gun In Rectum!? What the…

Friends, this goes way beyond smuggling a dime of weed or a balloon with some crack in it. There are some places you should definitely not hide a gun. Police in North Carolina believe that despite multiple searches after a traffic violation, a suspect managed to sneak a 10-inch gun into a prison by concealing the weapon in his rectum. One day later, officers confiscated the .38 revolver from the jail cell of Michael Leon Ward, a statement from the Onslow County Sheriff’s Office explains.


They’d performed a strip search on Ward and even required that he “squat and cough” to see if he held any contraband, but nothing turned up. He was initially arrested because police allegedly found drugs and related paraphernalia during the traffic stop. Jailhouse guards discovered the handgun in the toilet after other inmates reported Ward. I want to know who’s the poor rookie that’s going to have to do a$$hole searches from now on; Damn! Michael, here’s your sign…


Man Gets Penis Stuck In Toaster…

man-loving-toasterFriends, what is it with penises and household items?  Villainous VooDoo recently reported on a man with a fork in his penis.  Now we have some sick-o that apparently got his penis caught in a toaster!?  WTF!  The report says it was unclear exactly what the guy was up to, but just let your imagination run wild.  I got it! he was trying to even out his tan!  Fortunately London’s finest arrived to extricate his manhood from the electrical device.  Unbelievably, another adventurer rivaled his ridiculous antics by somehow getting his member lodged in a vacuum cleaner.  In the last three years, London fire crews have been called out to:

  • 18 incidents involving children with their heads stuck in potties or toilet seats
  • 5 incidents involving people’s hands being stuck in shredders
  • 79 incidents involving people being trapped in handcuffs
  • 9 instances of men with rings stuck on their penises
  • 4 incidents where people had their hands stuck in blenders
  • 17 incidents involving children with their fingers stuck in toys, including one with Lego stuck on his finger.
  • A man with his arm stuck in a Portaloo
  • A child with its hand trapped in a sweet machine
  • A child with its head trapped in an ironing board
  • An adult stuck in a child’s toy car
  • A child with its head stuck in a massage chair
  • A child with its foot stuck in a brass vase
  • Someone with a test tube stuck on their finger
  • A man with a tambourine stuck on its head
  • A man with a sewing machine needle stuck in his finger

What the hell are those Brits up to?  I mean, how the hell do you get a tambourine stuck on your head?  Exactly what were you doing?  Damn Son!, here’s your sign…

Source – Mirror

Kalifornia Burglary Suspect Falls Through Ceiling – will probably sue…

burglarAn obviously novice burglar who tried to break into an ATM at a bank in San Francisco was arrested Friday after he hopped onto the roof of a nearby building to escape and fell into an apartment, police said.  “There was a hole in the roof where he fell through just as we were ordering him to put his hands up,” police Sgt. Wilfred Williams told reporters. “I’ve responded to several different silent alarm calls at banks, but this is the first time when someone fell through a roof.”  The stupid-ass (I mean suspect), whose name was not released, was not seriously injured. Police said he weighed 230 pounds.  Police said he had tried to use a crowbar (really?) to break into the ATM inside a Bank of America branch in the Portola neighborhood around 3:45 a.m.  The man apparently got into the bank through a ventilation shaft, which triggered a silent alarm. He was spotted by officers as he fled, police Chief Greg Suhr told KPIX-TV.  Officers notified the K9 unit after realizing the burglar had fled onto the roof. A Fire Department ladder truck was called in as part of the search.  The stupid-ass (I mean suspect) was spotted on the roof. As he was trying to surrender, he fell into an apartment.  Here’s your sign…

Since the crime was attempted in Kalifornia (Peoples Republic of), this idiot will probably sue the building owner for not ensuring safe working conditions for his profession as well as the apartment tenant for not providing a soft landing area during his decent.  What a country we live in….


Break into and Rob a Prison? Hell yeah!…

BurglarFriends, normally I wouldn’t condone crime in any way, but I found this to be quite novel.  It seems some thieves in northern Italy broke into a prison and made off with a safe containing thousands of euros in the early hours of Wednesday 9/18.  The audacious theft occurred shortly after midnight when the robber(s) eluded surveillance systems and entered the director’s office at the prison in Pavia, near Milan.  The safe, which was removed whole from the wall and spirited away, contained approximately 5,000 euros ($6,700). Police are investigating the incident. Genius!  OK, I’m thinking inside job.  Has to be!  First, the thief (or thieves) has to gain entry into the prison.  I’m sure even in Italy, you just don’t waltz into a prison without someone seeing you.  Next, the safe.  How did the perpetrators know it was there and was worth the effort (Euros inside)?  Now the burglar(s) has to exit undetected with a safe in tow.  The way I see it, a ‘person of interest’ would have 1) intimate knowledge of the layout and surveillance systems of the prison and 2) knew the safe was in the office with the money inside.  I got it!  It was Mr. Green with the candlestick in the conservatory!  Seriously, this had to be either someone on the Directors staff or one of the guards.  At the very least, the intel for the job came from the inside.  We’ll see; the Villainous VooDoo has spies everywhere.  More to come…

Source: Reuters

Can’t hit the bowl?, try the ‘Pee Straight’…

PeeStraightFriends, I just couldn’t make this $hit up.  An entrepreneur in the southern Chinese city of Shenzhen has unveiled a contraption designed to help those who miss the mark at a urinal: the ‘Pee Straight.’  The invention came in the wake of a new law known as the Shenzhen City Public Toilet Management Act, which allows sanitation managers and other officials to slap a $15 fine on those caught making a mess of municipal toilets while relieving themselves. Oh!, Oh!, thats a job I want! – ‘Pisser Watcher’.  The law also cracks down on anybody defacing, littering or smoking in public privies.  The Pee Straight is a simple contraption. A standard funnel affixed to what appears to be a 10-inch piece of tube pipe, the device comes in his and hers versions — hers has a shorter pipe — and is being marketed to those who have trouble with their aim.  How many idiots are going to carry around one of these ‘devices’ to make sure they hit the spot?  WTF! – just grab that thing and point it towards the fu(king bowl!  Well I’m going to rush right out with my $1.65 US and pickup my own ‘Pee Straight’ today.  After watching the video, I knew I had to have one!  Wait!, I’ve got a better idea, the ‘$hit Straight’!  This could work!  The $hit straight is a plastic ‘ramp’ you strap to your ass just before sitting on the throne.  As you begin to $hit, the ramp guides the excriment ‘straight’ down into the bowl with no chance of missing or excess splashing.  For those ‘explosion’ times, the $hit straight will reduce the ‘splatter effect’ and the amount of associated wiping.  I’ll be taking orders…

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