Man Hides Gun In Rectum!? What the…

Friends, this goes way beyond smuggling a dime of weed or a balloon with some crack in it. There are some places you should definitely not hide a gun. Police in North Carolina believe that despite multiple searches after a traffic violation, a suspect managed to sneak a 10-inch gun into a prison by concealing the weapon in his rectum. One day later, officers confiscated the .38 revolver from the jail cell of Michael Leon Ward, a statement from the Onslow County Sheriff’s Office explains.

gun_in_rectum

They’d performed a strip search on Ward and even required that he “squat and cough” to see if he held any contraband, but nothing turned up. He was initially arrested because police allegedly found drugs and related paraphernalia during the traffic stop. Jailhouse guards discovered the handgun in the toilet after other inmates reported Ward. I want to know who’s the poor rookie that’s going to have to do a$$hole searches from now on; Damn! Michael, here’s your sign…

SOURCE: TheSmokingGun.com

Barbie wants to be Brainless? You can’t make this $hit up…

Blondie-BennettFriends, occasionally you run across someone that just screams stupid.  Exhibit A:

A California (of course) woman who describes herself as Barbie-obsessed says she uses hypnotherapy sessions in the hopes that it will decrease her IQ.

“I just want to be the ultimate Barbie. I actually want to be brainless,” says Blondie Bennett, 38.  “I don’t like being human, if that makes sense… Natural is boring… I would love to be like, completely plastic.”  Blondie, you’re just about there…

Bennett has had five breast augmentations and other procedures in the hopes of attaining her goal. Five?  C cup wasn’t good enough for you?  But now she says she’s undergoing hypnotherapy sessions two-to-three times a week in order to dumb down her thoughts.  she says it’s working.  Of course it is!  Holy Catfish!

“I’ve had 20 sessions and I’m already starting to feel ditzy and confused all the time,” Bennett said…

Bennett said that although she loves her looks, her plastic features tend to turn off a lot of people. She said that her friends and family don’t approve of her lifestyle.  Bennett appears to maintain a NSFW Twitter account advertising live camera shows. Her handle, not surprisingly, is “Busty_Doll.”  Blondie, Here’s your sign…

VIDEO – Yes, those are JJ’s…

SOURCE – huffingtonpost.com

Man Gets Penis Stuck In Toaster…

man-loving-toasterFriends, what is it with penises and household items?  Villainous VooDoo recently reported on a man with a fork in his penis.  Now we have some sick-o that apparently got his penis caught in a toaster!?  WTF!  The report says it was unclear exactly what the guy was up to, but just let your imagination run wild.  I got it! he was trying to even out his tan!  Fortunately London’s finest arrived to extricate his manhood from the electrical device.  Unbelievably, another adventurer rivaled his ridiculous antics by somehow getting his member lodged in a vacuum cleaner.  In the last three years, London fire crews have been called out to:

  • 18 incidents involving children with their heads stuck in potties or toilet seats
  • 5 incidents involving people’s hands being stuck in shredders
  • 79 incidents involving people being trapped in handcuffs
  • 9 instances of men with rings stuck on their penises
  • 4 incidents where people had their hands stuck in blenders
  • 17 incidents involving children with their fingers stuck in toys, including one with Lego stuck on his finger.
  • A man with his arm stuck in a Portaloo
  • A child with its hand trapped in a sweet machine
  • A child with its head trapped in an ironing board
  • An adult stuck in a child’s toy car
  • A child with its head stuck in a massage chair
  • A child with its foot stuck in a brass vase
  • Someone with a test tube stuck on their finger
  • A man with a tambourine stuck on its head
  • A man with a sewing machine needle stuck in his finger

What the hell are those Brits up to?  I mean, how the hell do you get a tambourine stuck on your head?  Exactly what were you doing?  Damn Son!, here’s your sign…

Source – Mirror

Kalifornia Burglary Suspect Falls Through Ceiling – will probably sue…

burglarAn obviously novice burglar who tried to break into an ATM at a bank in San Francisco was arrested Friday after he hopped onto the roof of a nearby building to escape and fell into an apartment, police said.  “There was a hole in the roof where he fell through just as we were ordering him to put his hands up,” police Sgt. Wilfred Williams told reporters. “I’ve responded to several different silent alarm calls at banks, but this is the first time when someone fell through a roof.”  The stupid-ass (I mean suspect), whose name was not released, was not seriously injured. Police said he weighed 230 pounds.  Police said he had tried to use a crowbar (really?) to break into the ATM inside a Bank of America branch in the Portola neighborhood around 3:45 a.m.  The man apparently got into the bank through a ventilation shaft, which triggered a silent alarm. He was spotted by officers as he fled, police Chief Greg Suhr told KPIX-TV.  Officers notified the K9 unit after realizing the burglar had fled onto the roof. A Fire Department ladder truck was called in as part of the search.  The stupid-ass (I mean suspect) was spotted on the roof. As he was trying to surrender, he fell into an apartment.  Here’s your sign…

Since the crime was attempted in Kalifornia (Peoples Republic of), this idiot will probably sue the building owner for not ensuring safe working conditions for his profession as well as the apartment tenant for not providing a soft landing area during his decent.  What a country we live in….

SOURCE – ABC News

Man Shoots Self While Sneezing…

Police in Connecticut say an 81-year-old man who was lying in wait with a rifle for a pesky raccoon accidentally shot himself after sneezing and falling from a chair.  New Haven police say James Pace Sr. shot himself in the shin at his home Saturday night. The injury wasn’t life-threatening.  pissed_raccoonPace told authorities that a raccoon had been scratching at his back door for several days and he was waiting for it with a .22-caliber rifle.  Police say he sneezed and fell from his chair, then realized he had accidentally shot himself.  Pace’s son drove him to Yale-New Haven Hospital.  Police detectives seized the rifle and are investigating the shooting.  Investigating?  Really?  As part of the Villainous VooDoo’s commitment to firearm safety, I would like to take this opportunity to review a few of the most basic rules of gun safety:

1.  Always keep the muzzle pointed in a safe direction.  Like away from your fu(king shin, James…

2.  Keep your finger off the trigger until you are actually ready to shoot.  This, combined with rule 3, should prevent what is officially called an “accidental discharge”.  James, you know this as ‘blowing your shin off’.

3.  Keep the safety on until you are ready to shoot.  Perhaps this should be rule number one.  Unless, of course, you sneeze so violently it causes you to disengage the safety then pull the trigger.

James, clearly you need help with your raccoon ambush and the Villainous VooDoo is here for you.  May I suggest you change from a ‘command initiated’ model to something a little more commensurate with your age.  Try a ‘mechanical ambush’ by placing the latest in critter capture technology – a raccoon trap, outside your door.  When you have the masked bandit captured, just call animal services in your area.  They’ll do the rest.  Anyway, James, I know you’re 81, but here’s your sign…

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